Rules for the Toilet
The Rules for the Toilet is an alias for a famous Japanese sign, indicating the rules for proper use of a toilet. The sign was made famous by Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs, appearing in the original video on June 23, 2008. Standard rules #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. #No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.) #No puking in the toilet. (Nobody needs to see or smell your puke.) #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We can see your shit coming out of your ass when you do that.) #No fishing. (What the hell? Nobody will ever do that. What would you catch? Maybe somebody else's shit.) #No shitting in the urinal. (That's the best idea I have ever heard.) Other rules There are other signs indicating other rules for properly taking a dump or a piss. Users may view these signs in their respective episodes of Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs. Episode 4 #Sit and shit correctly. #Do not stand on the toilet and shit. (It's just wrong.) Episode 7 #No peeing standing up. (As usual, your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.) #No sitting and shitting like a damn bitch. (We can see your shit exploding out of your fat ass, when you do that, bitch.) Episode 11 #Please roll the toilet paper into the toilet, rip three sheets off and send the rest down the toilet. (That's just awesome. To hell with the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.) #No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (Please, I do not want to see your partially digested BLT sandwich, splattered all over my diarrhea infested toilet.) Episode 14 #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to see the giant monsoon of diarrhea pouring out of your anus.) #Place your butt cheeks on the toilet, sit up straight, place your hands on your knees, and sit and shit in an orderly fashion because there's a huge fucking lineup outside waiting to get that anal fudge out of their anus. Episode 16 #No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your STD infected penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.) #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last thing I want to see is partially digested corn stew mixed with tacos and vanilla ice cream being slowly shat out in full view of everyone.) #No pissing like a dog in the urinal. (You're not a bitch!) #No oral sex. (Why in holy hell any girl would want to suck on your repulsive penis beyond me? It's probably half the size of an atom and infected with every disease known to man.) Episode 18 #Proper vomiting technique is as follows: First, get down on your hands and knees and pray to the toilet gods. (Their blessing will grant the power of levitation so you can cleanly vomit up everything you've eaten in the history of history into the toilet. CAUTION: May result in death.) #Do not vomit on the floor while praying to the toilet gods. (The toilet gods will be most displeased and you will die to death as a result.) *Caution in both cases: Vomit may contain worms. Episode 21 #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Put your buttocks on the seat and shit like a normal person, we don't give a shit if the seat has more bacteria than a superbug-infested hospital.) #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Please evacuate your anus like a gentleman.) #Throw an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. (What the fuck, who would waste precious toilet paper? Then again, after I dump my anus, I tend to flush an entire roll down the toilet anyway.) Episode 26 Round 1 #No diving. (The swimming budget has really suffered in recent years. No need for synchronized swimming when we have synchronized shitting.) Round 2 #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (What, do you want us to see a waterfall of diarrhea streaming out your butthole?) #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be a civilized person and shit normally.) Episode 29 #No standing on toilet seat. (This is not a fucking Olympic event, you won't get style points for showing everyone the stream of explosive diarrhea exploding out your anus. Sit and shit in an orderly manner, god damn it!) #No sitting and shitting while shitposting. (Stop posting dank memes and start squeezing those giant turds out your butthole.) #No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Stop wasting a good toilet by pissing. The time you waste by pissing is time better spent sitting and shitting.) Episode 31 (Rules for Using Nature as a Toilet) #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You'll make all the animals cry as they watch huge turds squeezing out your butthole and splattering all over the nice grass.) #No peeing on the grand standing up. (Feel free to piss while doing a handstand or cartwheels, but no peeing on the ground standing up.) Episode 32 Round 1 #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. #No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.) #No peeing in the toilet like a bitch. (Use the urinal like a civilized person or we'll smash the toilet over your head. #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. #No praying to the toilet gods. (I think. Maybe it's just no puking in the toilet.) #No using the toilet paper to turn yourself into a toilet paper mummy. (You're not King Tut's retarded cousin King Turd. Save that toilet paper for your butthole.) Round 2 #Thank you for not choking the toilet bowl. (That's weird. Every time I choke the toilet bowl, I can hear it say, "Harder, harder!" Huh, weird.) #No washing hair or clothes in the toilet please. (Fah, I'll wash myself with detergent as much as I goddamn want.) #Please use toilet with precision and elegance. (Oh, I'll sure show you precision and elegance!) Episode 33 #Do not make eye contact when using the urinals. #No talking to people in the stall. #No running. Unless you accidentally clogged the toilet, then get out before anyone sees it was you. #No asking stall mates for more toilet paper. If you run out, just accept your fate and weep silently. #Please keep poop grunts and other noises to a reasonable volume. Episode 34 Toilet Rules #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We've been reminding you of this goddamned rule for 11 years! For the last time, we don't want to see a stream of shit spewing out your shitter!) #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (It's important to have good posture as you expel a bunghole behemoth out of your bowels.) Toilet Brush Rules #It is quite wrong to brush your teeth with the toilet brush. (We don't have turd-flavored toothpaste here, so don't fucking use the toilet brush as a toothbrush.) #It is wrong to brush your hair with the toilet brush. (If you really want to lose all your hair and be bald, expose your hair to a toilet brush still dripping with disgusting toilet water.) #It is almost correct to scrub out your butthole with the toilet brush. (It's a good idea in theory, but you're just going to spread toilet water all over your butthole.) #It is correct to scrub out the toilet with the toilet brush. (Good luck trying to clean out your toilet after you experience an explosive diarrhea.) Episode 35 Round 1 #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your butt cheeks in the proper position, sit up straight, and squeeze those massive turds out your butthole.) #No standing up, bending over, aiming your anus at the toilet, and taking an enormous, volcanic, hippopotamus-style diarrhea dump all over the toilet. (Don't even think about trying that shit, or we'll fucking make you clean it up with your bare hands.) Round 2 #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Duh.) #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard while the toilet lid is closed. (What the fuck is wrong with you! It's bad enough we have to see you squeezing out huge turds from your butthole, but to dump them on the toilet? Shit all over my toilet and I'll fling those feces at your fucking face! #Pee in the toilet standing up. (What! A toilet I'm allowed to pee in while standing up? Yayayayayayayayayayay w00t!) #No peeing on the toilet while the toilet lid is closed. (It's bad enough if you can't fucking aim your penis while standing up, what makes you think you can hit the target while the toilet lid is closed? Open the fucking toilet lid and piss in an orderly manner! ...Bitch!) Sochi Rules #Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not hang from the ceiling and aim your anus at the toilet. It will miss and the FSB will make you clean it up with your tongue.) #No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your other partner in the stall doesn't need to see your fat, smelly, and disgusting penis.) #No praying to the toilet gods or puking in the toilet. (It will disturb your stallmate.) #No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (No one wants to see your partially digested vodka when you do that. If you do this, the FSB will force you to clean the toilet bowl with your tongue.) #No fishing in the toilet. (You're not Vladimir Putin, you won't be able to catch a great white shark like a badass.) #No taking drugs. (That is messed up.) Category:Speakonia Category:Signs Category:Protagonists Category:Running Gags Category:Awesome Category:Laws